Something Salinas This Way Comes...

Monday, January 18, 2010


Dear Chloe and Hannah,

My Kitchen Aid is not the dumping place for every food item you find less-than-appealing.  I love you girls, but do you realize how disguting it is to clean that damn thing each. and every. day, of all your half-chewed cookies, slimy, three-day-old banana peels, and discarded cheese sticks?  (FYI: Really though, the most disgusting memeber of this discard pile is those half-eaten pecans.  When still slimy, they kind of look like mouse turds.)

Also, I do realize that you choose not to wear socks, despite my daily efforts and encouragement to do so, because you run faster when barefoot.  While I am proud of you for discovering this fact, Hannah, and passing along the info in Twinspeak to your sister, I am tired of chasing you as you head toward the trash can kitchen aid mixing bowl to rid yourself of whatever food item you may be carrying in your little cheeks.  I feel that your bare-footed running is giving you an unfair advantage.  And while we are on the subject of carrying things in your cheeks: by the way, you are people, not chipmunks.  And while we are on the subject of running:  please, for the sake of every day care parent, stop doing so in the nude.

With Love,
Your Doting Mother

Dear Day Care Parents,

I know.  I try.  I really, really try.  Please understand this to be a disclaimer that I, in no uncertain terms, declare myself completely defeated in my Battle of the Buns with my daughters, Chloe and Hannah.  I dress them every day.  I dress them every hour.  I know you see their butts more often than you probably see your own kids' butts, and for that I am deeply sorry.  And also, I have no sense of smell, so if you stop by for a drop off/pick up, and you smell something, please let me know.  Due to the fact that my twins refuse to wear clothing, that smell, unfortunately, could very well be coming from ANYWHERE.

Please be advised that I use Clorox abundantly.

Your Day Care Provider

Dear Treadmill,

I apologize.  You have been neglected.  Because I am unable to chase down my own two toddler-aged daughters, I will be becoming re-acquainted with you in the very near future.  Right after I finish this bowl of ice cream topped with warm Nutella.

The Person Who Runs on You
The Person Who Will Run on You Soon

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